so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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