I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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