remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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