i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
