That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize