Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
