I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
