i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
