You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
