Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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