I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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