6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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