i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize