I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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