I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
