the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
