I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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