u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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