wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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