I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
