I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
