I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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