in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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