can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That's intense
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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