A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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