Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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