College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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