I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I came so hard my ears popped.
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