i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
