Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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