tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
