You're my little dorito
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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