My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
