There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
