Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
