half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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