Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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