Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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