true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
