remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
