why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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