News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
