After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
