So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize