I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
