So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
