I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
