He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
