He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
