how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize