Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
