I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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