just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
