Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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