i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There are leaves in my underwear?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
