Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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