Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize