Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
